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User blog:Austin Longstream/A Story from the Last Survivor of Cluny's Army.
And now, I must tell my story, of how the AWFUL Redwallers cruelly killed Cluny. Riptooth the rat sat backwards on the wooden chair with his children. "So...anyway...Mr. Cluny my boss was goin to redwall. He was gonna take all that good stuff, and do what normal conquerer guys do. "SKULLFACE! JUMP ON THE HORSE AND BITE IT SO IT GETS GOIN!" "But it might bite me back!" "Mutiny, insubordination! By the teeth of hell, I'll flay you into mangy dollrags!" "No more! Don't whip me, Chief. Look, I'm goin to do it!" So anyway, Skullface (he was kinda ugly) jumped on the horse and got killed. I was gonna go take his sword, but then we left. Cluny yelled something back at em. "TELL THE DEVIL CLUNY SENT YOU SKULLFACE!" Note: No, in the book Cluny doesn't scream every sentence. I just like him that way. So then, after that, kids, we kept going. However, Cluny was an awful driver and crashed us. Then he screamed something about skittles. "Redtooth! Darkclaw! Report to me or I'll have your skulls for skittles!" Then, they told us that Three-Leg (he had a pretty stupid name) and Scratch (wasn't very smart) were dead, no problem. So then, we like, made our camp in this big church. For some reason that night, Cluny was screaming in his sleep. Don't ask me why, kids. Then we recruited stinky stoats (I hate stoats), freaky ferrets (I don't like ferrets either) and other soldiers. Cluny did his normal recruiting procedure. ---- Okay kids, go do something else. Go bite the neighbors. Go on! Cheesenibbler, GO! STOP HANGING ON MY LEG! ---- Okay, so you're back. You bit the neighbors and they chased you with sticks? Sounds interesting. Then, we marched up to the big abbey. Boy, it was big with all these walls and stuff. Yeah. After that, Cluny went inside and started to yell at their "abbot" mouse. When he was gone, I gambled with me mates and won another church iron spike. Worthless. Cluny stationed us in the trenches, and those stinkin field mice (curse them!) kept firing those little arrows. Those hurt. Also, Fangburn tried to get up with ladders. Unluckily, those mean Redwallers fought back. Why couldn't they have just let themselves be our slaves?!? Anyway, they dropped a big rock on Fangburn and he went "WAHHHH" and died. (I don't care about Fangburn dying, he had too much power.) We also beat up this hedgehog cause we all ganged up on him and Cluny sent his creepy Shadow goon to get the ugly picture in there. It was of some big mouse with a sword. Man, that mouse looked SCARY. E' was carryin around this big sword. Luckily, he was dead by the time we got there. Enyway, Shadow died, yeah. Not a problem. After that though, this mean rabbit stole it from Cluny and he threw a hissy fit. Of course, nobody ever says that to Cluny's face or they died. After that, we tried to get in through this tree. Scragg was doing most of the work, an Cheesethief was looking angrily at him. Cheesethief was being a fool. Anyway, the redwallers caught us and smashed our plank on the wall. Scragg got killed (I don't care, I hate weasels) and Cheesethief went back to him and helped him, but for some weird reason, Cheesethief seemed SAD that he died. Maybe he was just trying to hide something, I dunno. Anyway, Cluny got hurt, and Kilconey the Ferret (didn't like him either) got a fox healer. ---- What's that, Cheesenibbler? You have a question about the story? YOU WANT CHEESE!?!? GO GET YER OWN CHEESE, YOU SCURVY PUP! Okay, any one else have a REAL question? What's that? You want to know details about Cluny the Scourge? Well, for one, he was UGLY. He had 1 eye and he had a cape made outta bat wings and a poisoned barb on his tail. He was also big. And do you know what? Lean in closer...come on...come on... RAWRRRRR! Tailbiter shrieked and ran away. Riptooth chuckled. "That's what Cluny used to do. Anyway, I'm going to keep telling the story now." ---- So, that fox healer healed Cluny after a while. Cluny then had plan to get us into the abbey. I got put on digging duty for THREE DAYS! THREE STINKIN DAYS OF DIGGIN MUD FOR THAT RAT! Anyway, we killed the fox because she was a traitor. But that didn't matter. That fox was evil... Oh yeah! I forgot! Redtooth got himself killed. The badger beaned his brains out. Heh, you always gotta look out for the badgers. Finally, Cluny did something useful. He caught this dormouse, and he let us in because he was scared. WIMP. Then, Cluny went in and I charged in too! We all charged and got into the abbey. That was when things started going bad. First, these FLYIN SPARROWS attacked us! I got bitten on the tail by one. Then, these big otters and all these shrews attacked us! Oh, it was awful! Poor Cluny ran up and was fighting this mouse with a sword, and then the mouse... It's so AWFUL! He...he... HE CHOPPED THE BELL DOWN AND SMASHED CLUNY TO BITS! Anyway, after boss died, we all ran away out the door, where a nasty surprise awaited us. There was this awful cat and this giant owl that tried to eat us! Only about 50 of us got away... And that's my sad story of how Cluny died..those AWFUL Redwallers! So, the moral of the story is to avoid Redwallers and be a good vermin and slash, loot, kill, slaughter, burn, and all things a good vermin must do. THE END Category:Blog posts